Showdown With the Mekong Cock Caper

In Stories, Vietnam by Nick5 Comments

Even the most routine procedures can go horribly, tragically wrong.

And so life threw a wrench into my plans as I stopped to take a leak in the Mekong Delta one oppressive night this November.

If you’re a woman—or a man who sits down to piss—I’ll walk you through standard urinal protocol.

  • Approach the urinal;
  • Stand upright, feet roughly shoulder width apart;
  • Unzip your fly;
  • Empty your bladder into the urinal, taking care not to spray your neighbors;
  • Zip up, wash your hands.

Congratulations, you passed.

Right off the bat, you see there aren’t very many ways to screw this up.

Of course, you drop your pants and underwear straight to the floor and makes lightsaber sounds while swinging your pecker erratically, but I’m assuming none of my readers are 4 years old.

Getting to the point.

I’m taking a break on the long, dusty road connecting Saigon to Chau Doc through the Mekong Delta. We stopped at a nice cafe just outside of Vinh Long—more interested in clawing the black road gunk from our eyes than sipping coffee.

At one point, I’m standing in the cafe’s bathroom, ready to execute a flawless urinal piss according to my five-point plan (outlined above).

My mind turns to a philosophical question I asked myself waaayyyy back in high school—what would you do if you’re pissing away, and someone swipes your wallet right out of your pocket?

Do you try to seize your wallet, pissing all over the place in the process?

Or do you remain stoic, zipping up cleanly before pursuing your assailant?

Of course, that’s a ridiculous question. You’re going to lunge after your wallet reflexively, with little regard for your clothes or surroundings.

And let me tell you why I know that.

Because a split second before I was about to proceed to Step 5 of the urinal protocol, the asshole from the urinal next to me was also a fraction of a second away from something—my dick.

Ignoring the fact that no straight man wants a wiener handshake in a public bathroom, I can’t fucking stand when people sneak up on me—especially when I’m alone at night on the side of a highway in a foreign country.

I mean, imagine if this guy was trying to stab me with a knife instead of a penis. I could have been less than a second away from death.

Unfortunately his story didn’t have a happy ending. Good ol’ survival instinct kicked in, and my would-be ass-ailant was figuring out just how hard a tile floor can be.

All I could think of saying (yelling) was:

“What the fuck are you doing.”

What a stupid thing to say—like you could somehow be confused about a hand reaching greedily for a stranger’s penis in a bathroom.

What the hell could you even reply with?

“Sorry bro, there was a spider! Did I get it!?”

Within 2 seconds I realized I was standing there—fists clenched and blood boiling—with my dick still swinging in the breeze. Meanwhile the other guy is lying on the floor, scrambling to pick up his glasses. From the outside it probably looked like I was the bad guy.

With amazing dexterity, I zipped up my fly and told him to get the fuck out of my sight. Of course, I was also blocking the exit, meaning the Mekong Cock Caper scurried into one of the stalls instead.

I tossed another “motherfucker” over my shoulder before hearing the lock click into place. Then I went back upstairs to do what any grown man would do in this situation—I tattled.

I was half-expecting someone to say “Oh, that’s Jeff! Rascal’s back, huh?”

But no. Apparently no matter where you are in the world, waiters don’t take kindly to folks using their bathrooms as gay cruising spots without prior written notice.

But the Caper’s spree continues. He fled the scene before he could be apprehended, and is still said to stalk travelers in the Mekong Delta to this very day.

Would a firm “No, I do not want you to touch my penis at this time” have been enough, or was my use of force justified? Do you think southern Vietnam is now unsafe for travelers? Let me know!

Comments

    1. Author
      Nick

      Wait no longer. Hopefully this won’t be a semi-regular installment like my cafe roundups.

      “Which Cities In Vietnam Are Best For Avoiding Roadside Sexual Harassment: Part 7”

  1. s'all bout love bruv

    So you pushed or punched him to the ground?

    Both justified in my opinion though! Haha!

    1. Author
      Nick

      Pushed. Didn’t have nearly enough time to cock back and hit him…haha…see what I did there?

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